If you really do need to own a penis pump make a mental note not to take it on holiday with you when you are travelling by plane. Don’t deviate from this plan and definitely don’t deviate from it if you are travelling with your mum. Mardin Azad Amin forget these golden rules and he must be wishing he hadn’t. When quizzed about the suspicious package in his bag, he told them it was a bomb, as he was too embarrassed to admit it was a penis pump in front of his mum. He could now face up to three years in prison.
Anyone who owns a parrot and is planning to have an affair next year should reconsider either their choice of pet or their potential infidelity. The two are just not compatible, as Suzy Collins from Leeds can testify. An African Grey parrot, called Ziggy, exposed Miss Collins affair to her partner Chris Taylor by saying the name of her lover, Gary, every time her phone rang. Ziggy also made kissing noises whenever he heard the name Gary on the television.
We all know it’s not right to peek at your presents before Christmas Day, but what we didn’t know was how severe the consequences can be if you dare to flout that rule. A 12-year-old boy from South Carolina, in the US, was arrested by police for unwrapping a Nintendo Game Boy Advance. He was charged with petty theft after his angry mum reported him.
It’s hard enough being a hedgehog at the best of times, so when a confused human tries to have sex with you it really is the final straw. But that is exactly what happened to one poor hedgehog, when a Serbian man thought he could cure his problem of premature ejaculation by having sex with the spiky animal. He claimed a witch doctor had told him it would work.
The eBay website caused problems for one family in 2006, when a three-year old boy managed to log on using his parent’s username and password and bought a car worth £9,000. Despite Jack Neal’s successful bid for the Barbie pink Nissan Figaro, the seller let Jack’s worried parents off the hook when he was made aware of the unusual situation. Most people are afraid of something, whether it be spiders, sharks, the dark or flying in an aeroplane. But a mum from Cheltenham took phobias to whole new level, when she revealed she was absolutely petrified of peas. Louise Arnold was so afraid of the green vegetables that she can’t bear to be in the same room as them and has to leave restaurants and pubs if she sees any.
As a tribute to the legendary fictional spy James Bond, 23-year-old fan David Fearn officially changed his name to honour all the Bond movies. He is now known as James Dr No From Russia with Love Goldfinger Thunderball You Only Live Twice On Her Majesty’s Secret Service Diamonds Are Forever Live and Let Die The Man with the Golden Gun The Spy Who Loved Me Moonraker For Your Eyes Only Octopussy A View to a Kill The Living Daylights Licence to Kill Golden Eye Tomorrow Never Dies The World Is Not Enough Die Another Day Casino Royale Bond.
Slow. Relentless. Known for eating people’s brains and leaving a trail of devastation and misery in their wake. Yes, zombies have always had a lot in common with the American legal system – and now, seven of the undead have filed a lawsuit against the Minneapolis police.
The plaintiffs were dancing at a party in July when the seven of them – six adults and one juvenile in heavy zombie makeup – were arrested by the police, and held for two days. They claim they were abused and treated badly during that time.
The reason given by the police for their arrest was that the living dead were ‘simulating weapons of mass destruction.’ This might have been partly due to the police’s ongoing efforts in the War on Zombies, and partly due to the fact that the police couldn’t tell the difference between a radio in a backpack and a dirty bomb.
‘The musical equipment had no resemblance to weapons of mass destruction, and its purpose and use could easily be ascertained,’ states the zombies lawsuit.
The lawsuit also claims that one policeman swore at the zombies, saying he was going to teach them a lesson that that he didn’t care about the constitutional rights of the revenants (or Undead Americans, to use the politically correct term).
Furthermore, it says that one of the zombies had their prosthetic leg removed for the duration of time they were in jail – the jailers clearly unaware that mere limb loss won’t stop a zombie coming after you. Remove the head or destroy the brain, people.
The city defended the arrests in August, saying that the presence of the dancing zombies made the police genuinely fear for public safety.
The zombie plaintiffs – Jamie Jones, Raphi Rechitsky, Jake Sternberg, Jessica Baribeau, Christian Utne and Kate Kibby, as well as minor Kyle Kibby – are seeking damages of over $50,000, although it is believed they might settle for braaaaaiiiiins !!
A man attempting to kidnap a teenager saw his plans go painfully wrong when, stuffing his gun back into his waistband, he shot himself in the testicle.
The incident occurred in Wichita, Kansas, after a dispute that reportedly involved stereo speakers (exactly what it was about the stereo speakers that provoked an attempted kidnapping is unclear, but they must have been very nice speakers).
Three men, aged 23, 20 and 18, confronted a teenager on Monday afternoon. The eldest would-be kidnapper pulled out a gun and fired at the teen, but missed. He then shoved the gun back into the waistband of his trousers.
That’s when it went off, shooting him in the left testicle.
This event caused the man to wince – well, it would do – and unfortunately for him, the motion of wincing caused the gun to go off again.
Luckily for him, it didn’t take out the other testicle. It just shot him in the left calf instead.
The man hobbled to a local hospital, where he sought treatment for a bullet through the testicle. He and his accomplices now face charges of attempted kidnapping, aggravated assault and conspiracy to obstruct justice.
A German woman is suing a foster agency, after her teenage foster son ruined valuable naked photos of her – by comitting an act of self-love all over them.
Marietta Anton, 50, who now lives in Portugal’s Algarve, was 25 when she was photographed naked by her boyfriend at the time, Sigmar Polke. After they split Polke went on to become a world famous artist, and the old pictures were valued at over £35,000.
But when Anton’s 15-year-old foster son Mehmet found the old snaps, he thought he had unearthed a secret porn stack, and proceeded to do what teenage boys will do.
A student accused of sexually relieving himself into the cafeteria salad-dressing was due to hand himself over to police on Monday.
17-year-old Marco Raphael G. Castro, of Wheaton, Illinois, allegedly did the bad thing into a small bottle of ranch salad dressing at his high school canteen, then returned it, and watched as other students consumed it.
The salad dressing was in use for two days on December 6 and 7, before it was washed and refilled (with salad dressing, not the other thing). Because it was washed, there may be little evidence remaining from the crime.
He was caught after allegedly bragging to friends about his adventures in self-pleasuring. One of them then told a teacher.
School Principal Jill Bullo described it as an ‘unusual and disgusting’ incident.
Castro – who reportedly got the idea from Jackass: Number Two, although it sounds more Fight Club to us – is said to have been cooperative with police investigations. He may now face charges of disorderly conduct and attempted battery.
Sarsfieldsghost's Blog 